ATTENTION….LONG POST!!!! [This isn’t a post for pity, I feel better for real which is why I can talk about it now]
OPENLY SPEAKING ABOUT MY DEPRESSION
I don’t even know the right way to even start this post because right now, I am just feeling very anxious and nervous to openly talk about this. Well, a lot of people know my proper last post was in May and I remember clearly taking a whole month off everything. I won’t say I have depression history in the past years but I think few people that have been following me for a while and paying a bit of attention knows that I am not a big fan of “Europe” in general which doesn’t necessarily make me happy here at the moment. And in the past years, I have had few occurrences that triggered panic attacks such as the death of my very close friend Kadiatou in 2013 which led to the main reason I moved from France. Then, I think Uni, in general, has just made that even worse for me. But, this past May, was even more challenging and according to everything going on, I think it can only be qualified as depression. I know depression is a big word and I am not just throwing it around casually like that.
What triggered it was my whole exams result and the main fact that I needed to re-sit one exam. I would actually count myself lucky cos it isn’t like I have that family or parents that are very strict or putting unnecessary pressure on me. Everything came from me, the fact that I see how well my siblings are doing and I never want to in any way be a disappointment to them or the family: This made me push myself too much sometimes.
During this period as well, I was trying to get a job on the side to save up and I was still trying to blog and run TBP as a whole: I WAS STRUGGLING. Everything was just happening at the same time and It felt like my world was crumbling on me. Personally, I would say, I stress myself a lot. To the people around me, it can seem like I always have my life planned but honestly, it’s just the fear of failure. I try to protect myself so much (too much) that I make plans that fit my comfort zone with little flexibility.
So, all these things happening just messed up with my mind that I started thinking very low of myself. I remember one week I cried literally every single day and my sister didn’t even notice (I used to live with my sis). Most times I am in my room but once I am around people, I subconsciously mastered the art of hiding my real feelings around people that I should probably be talking to. Things just kept getting worse that I would call myself different ugly names. I didn’t see anything I could offer. It was as bad as feeling like if I wasn’t here anymore, nothing would change. Also, depression isn’t just a war with external forces, it is also a war with yourself. Deep down in me, I knew that motivated and positive Maryam was there but I just didn’t have the strength to find her.
Mood swing was also a major issue which people around me really suffered (people that knew what I was going through). One minute I will be happy and the next minute I am crying or angry. This isn’t just a one-time thing, it is something that happens almost every day. Then, you start worrying about your sanity because you are tired of the unstable feelings yourself. There were days I will work so much on my dissertation and revise for my exam and some days or weeks are just very low that I wouldn’t do any work but then worry that I am not doing any work. Many thoughts were going through my mind and I remember for like a couple of days, I was really frustrated, tired and the only thing I kept on saying was: I just can’t take this anymore!!!
At this point, I begin to fear and would have panic attacks cos horrible things were coming to my mind that I couldn’t handle… Think about the worse thing… Yes, I thought about that and the ONLY thing that kept me sane was my faith. If I wasn’t a believer/Muslim, I am 90% sure the worst might have happened because everything overpowered me and I really couldn’t take it anymore.
One thing I made sure to keep doing regardless of anything is praying. I would be crying but I made sure that when it was time for salat, I prayed. I just abandoned myself to God. Then I got my current job now, things started getting better cos I was 1) finally leaving my room and talking to people physically (Not just via FaceTime or call) and secondly, getting the job made me feel like finally, I can do something right. Also, having people that stick around you regardless of how you’ve treated them helps. I know the few people that knew what was going on then (ONLY 4 people) didn’t give up on me even moments I had my crisis or zone out on them. They were there for me and most especially listened to me because I was definitely talking and ranting about life a lot than usual without listening to any good thing they had to say to me.
I know prayer helps through the tough period like this but one thing I don’t see people talk about so much to survive this is accepting the fact that you are depressed. I was tired of this situation, I wasn’t happy and people around me were not happy, It was tough but I needed to first accept the fact that: “Maryam, you are depressed and you need help”. In fact, that is the bravest part of it all.
I started researching online: natural ways to get through depression, who I can talk to around me or online and legit seeking help myself. Different things work for different people. For me, I started reading more books (Non-academic), re-designing my blog, reading magazines, yoga and meditation. Words of affirmation also helped me to start saying positivity into my life which made a huge difference. Intentionally, start getting to know yourself better. I realised my desires and passion were changing but I was struggling to re-shape my plan because that plan was my comfort zone. I woke up one day and just started drawing a plan b, c and d. Giving myself that flexibility and immediately taking action on things that I can change by myself. I decided to really prioritise things I was doing at the moment which is one of the reasons my team and I postponed the ‘Annual TBP event’. Everything was set and ready but I wasn’t ready. I was forcing myself to do everything and I just had to prioritise on the present situation that needed my attention which is completing my post-graduate degree.
Getting through depression is a long process and it is obviously different for everyone but you need to know that you are not alone and things will definitely get better. You just need to keep believing and try as much as possible to talk to people. I was really scared of being judged cos I felt like my family believe so much in me and I am usually that positive and motivated person which made me lock up so many things. But, the truth is, people that really care will UNDERSTAND.
It’s funny how during this period, the people you least expect to check up on you are the ones that will randomly pray and check up. So, atleast a positive side to everything is you truly know who actually care for you and who is just around for convenience. I am still trying to fully pass this stage in my life, which is why I will be making lots of changes in my personal life and even online or the way I put myself out there and what I stand for. So, if you can relate to anything I said in this post, just know that, it isn’t the end of the road. In fact, it is the beginning of discovering yourself, what you really want in life and who you want to be with you on this journey called life. May till mid-June was really a dark period for me. Moving forward, I just want to take things easy and slow. Progress at my own pace without pressure cumulated from external sources or created by me. I just want to LIVE.
I won’t say I am back to blogging (I haven’t decided on my blogging journey yet) but I just wanted to TALK, I guess!
Remember, every second of life is a blessing. Embrace and make the best of it.
Thank you for reading. If you made it to this stage.
Don’t forget to share your thoughts with me in the comment box below, I will be reading everything.
I am glad you getting better. Depression is a big thing and it can mess you up but supportive family and friends do help ❤️
Definitely, Family and friends make everything get better. Thank you too… and Thank you for reading!!!
Alhamdulilah you are really getting better. Talking about it is a sign that you are overcoming it.I know what it means to be depressed and one of the most pathetic things about it is unable to express what you feel deep inside you which make you so mad at yourself
Exactly, I was so angry at myself for many reasons but Thank God for life and real friends.
The best thing that can happen to anyone is being able to identif their problems. It keeps you one step ahead. Alhamdulillahi you are getting over this phase, and it’s great that spoke about it. It gives me the feeling of “I am not alone in the world”. Time and a little therapy heals.
You are definitely not alone… The moment I acknowledged that I was depressed, I was determined to get help anyhow and make things better. From there, things improved
Thank you for courageously sharing this Maryam. I can relate quite well with this situation, and it is truly such a difficult thing to go through, especially when you really want to come out of it and be full of life again, but you just can’t. Honestly, expectations can be crippling even though they can at other times be empowering, we must be watchful how we allow them make us feel. Your experience has offered me great insights and a lot of hope. I pray you heal and find your footing on the path towards a meaningful and joyous life, I also wish you success in your academic pursuit. Don’t give up Maryam.
Expectations can indeed be crippling and you are very right. I guess I allowed it to overwhelm me while I was also putting too much unnecessary pressure on myself. Thank you for reading and thanks for the best wishes. I really appreciate.
Take your time and heal…depression is one of the worst things to face in this life…the people you expect to understand you don’t and it’s so hard for you to explain what you are really feeling inside…..keep praying…with Allah you are never alone 🙏🙏 ThankYou for sharing
Thank you so much Shiella. You are right about the opening up part. Thank you for your prayers. I really appreciate
Hey Sweetie…glad you are doing better. Just take it one day at a time and God will see you through. Btw just wanted to say how brave you are for keeping things real; you have no idea how this has helped with my struggles as well. Thank you for being you 🤗
Thank you for taking time out to read. I really appreciate
Thanks for sharing and I’m happy you are better now. Thank God for good friends /family. Life is a struggle itself, the whole thing! One minute, you think you are getting it right, then the next minute…..
May Allah ease all your affairs, you’ll be fine Maryam.
Yes, I totally agree with you… Life is a struggle and I think sometimes our expectations from life itself may be unrealistic. We expect things to be fine all the time…… Thank you for your time
Thank you for sharing… you truly are such an inspiration and i am glad you shared this. I’m always here (small girl like me) but if you ever need anything please know I’m here. You’ve done more than enough for me! You truly are amazing!
Thank you for sharing your story Maryam. I can totally relate
It’s very important that you allow yourself to go through this healing process. Most importantly, pin point WHY you felt depressed and figure out the best steps to help you come out.
If you didn’t get the job, do you think you would still be in that state? Is this due to school stress? Where does your inner peace truly come from?
It’s important to ask certain questions, because they help you move forward on a better note.
Please try and be open to people. Talking about how you feel helps alot.
You are not alone in all of this. Always remember that the world is waiting for your Light. Don’t dim it for any reason.
When you go through problems, always remember that Everything is FIGUREOUTABLE!
Keep soaring dear.
Thank you for your time. Yes, you are right, knowing why you are depressed help. I forgot to mention but my is due to Uni stress: workload, exams and knowing what to do after Uni which is why I just had to plan myself so I don’t get overwhelmed and thinking too much on how I will achieve everything. I think if I hadn’t gotten the job, I will eventually get better but it might take a longer time. I won’t lie, the job helped me restore a little bit of self-confidence at that moment. Thank you for sharing your thoughts with me.
Thank you for sharing Maryam. Depression sure is different for everyone but I could totally relate to everything you mentioned. It gets soo hard sometimes especially when the people you feel would understand, actually don’t but the getting better process is worth it. Stay strong sis🖤
Definitely having supportive friends an family helps. Thank you for your time, I really appreciate
You’re not one in a million but you are the one, Maryam. You’re a blessing to this world. You’ve inspired so many lives with your stories which I’m one of. You made me to really know the kind of person I’m and I will forever be grateful to you for that. May Allah ease your affairs, sooth and brighten up your mind.
Thank you for taking time out to read…. I am glad this has made a little impact. Thank you for the prayers too
Thank you for sharing Maryam. Talking about it does help although a lot of people still do not understand fully.
I’ve been going through this since April and recovery is a process. It’s one of the major reasons I haven’t been really visible.
Always remember you are not alone, I am very much here for you.
May Allah continue to strengthen you.
Thank you for taking time out to read and I really appreciate that. Yes, like you said, its a process. I pray everyone going through depression get to that point to realise talking to people can help.
Wow! I am proud of you always 💕💕💕💕💕.
I miss reading your comment here. Thank you for being supportive both online and offline
Alhamdullilah you getting better!
We not close but I feel so close reading this, coz I literally feel almost everything I read up there lately!
Maybe I haven’t just found enough courage yet.
But am really happy for you, walking out of it confidently is a great job!
Well done 👍
Thank you for reading. I pray you find the courage to face and overpower whatever you are going through. It’s tough I know but you can.
I am glad you feel better hon! Thank you for sharing you story and I gad you know you are not alone. Winter depresses me, as well as being in toxic relationships. I totally understand the feeling of high expectations of self, and feel lost trough the transition of change when you are choosing better for yourself. The most beautiful thing is to have good people around you who can see you through the whole change and still stand by you and cheer you on. Toxic people can make it worse and plant even bigger seeds of doubt, but at the end of the day I guess its part of the transition; cutting these people out of your life and learning the lessons to get to a better place. This was my experience. And I agree, talking about it definitely helps! And all the self- care practices you mentioned are legit!! I’m overboard for Yoga and Meditation!
Keep growing strong, its beautiful to watch and thank you fro transparency. I think its important to show others and especially the young-ins that growth doesn’t happen without some sort of struggle through pain. It is earned and deserved for the better of you!
Thank you so much for all that.